Mending Lives

Who is Jane Houng? Intvw_by_Vanessa
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Jane Houng: [00:00:00] Hi, I'm Jane Hong, and this is Mending Lives, where I'm talking with people from a patchwork of places. Some have had their lives ripped apart by loss, some are in the business of repairing others brokenness, but we're all seeking to make this world more beautiful. As this is the first show, I thought I should reveal a few things about myself.

So I asked a former neighbor, Vanessa Chan, to interview me. Vanessa is a high flying, high tech executive whose yoga and meditation classes are well known here in Hong Kong. where we both live. In this podcast, I tell you something about my background as a musician, educator, businesswoman, and more recently, a writer of children's books.

But very quickly, I move to the incident which will probably define the rest of my life, the rape and murder of my younger daughter. In 2017, [00:01:00] Vanessa reveals her difficulties during childhood, the adoption of her mother, the discovery of their biological family in the US, as well as a painful divorce, explaining how and why she's shifted to living on a more spiritual plane.

Well, I could resonate with that, so we chatted a bit about our beliefs, then moved on to the charities I've established in my daughter's name. Becky's Bathhouse in Greece, Rebecca Dyke's Writers in the US, and Becky's Button in Lebanon, where Becky was killed. We also touch on volunteering in maximum security prisons.

I hope you enjoy the show. Maybe enjoy isn't the right word, but any feedback will be gratefully received.

Vanessa Chan: Hi, Jane.

Jane Houng: Hi, Vanessa. It's great to be here.

Vanessa Chan: It's great to be here as well. Um, so I think we should start explaining how we met each other. So we provide a little bit of [00:02:00] context. Why not you go first?

Okay, sure. So, um, I have been in high tech for a long time, but on the side, I'm also a certified yoga and meditation teacher. And a few years ago I was doing these pro bono, um, yoga classes, mostly for helpers, but. I also offer, I also open my class to the community and Jane was one of my students and, um, and that's how we met.

So

Jane Houng: we've only met twice. We both live on Lantau Island. But I thought you would be, you were the perfect person to tell our listeners a little bit about me because you you know, very little. And I, and I, I feel before I start inviting many guests, um, to my podcast, that listeners maybe should, would like to know a little bit about

Vanessa Chan: me.

Yes, of course. So I have a few questions I want to ask, um, to prompt. So first question, [00:03:00] who are you really, Jane? Um, as a person, like, You know, where did you grow up? Just the basics, you know, and how, how did you come to Hong Kong? Uh, we're recording this podcast in the beautiful, right, during the Chinese New Year and the beautiful, um, TST, um, Hong Kong area.

How did you come here?

Jane Houng: I was born in London, educated in England and came out with my first husband in 1985. He was a barrister and I was a viola player in the Hong Kong Philharmonic.

Vanessa Chan: Oh, wow. Okay. And what was that like? What was Hong Kong like? It

Jane Houng: was a very dynamic place. Hong Kong has been very good to me.

I mean, I very quickly moved into media, um, into business, into teaching, but one common thread has been my music. As a viola player, I've played in a variety of [00:04:00] places from classical all the way to canto pop and then in the 90s when canto pop was so popular. I

Vanessa Chan: see. Um, so music is a passion of yours.

Jane Houng: Cut to the quick, it was, and it still could be in the future, but when, um, I lost my daughter, everything changed, and I haven't reached so much to music as much as poetry and a spiritual life.

Vanessa Chan: Right. So let's talk about a little bit about your daughter as well. And I remember the first time I, you know, you came to my class, um, of course, being a yoga teacher and quite in tune to the energy in the room. And I remember looking at you thinking this person is going through some stuff, but I'm going to leave it.

Um, she's not ready to talk. And I can't remember how it came up. I only remember that you told me in such a calm manner [00:05:00] about your daughter that you lost your daughter. It was almost like a passing by comment. And I was shocked because someone who has lost their daughter must feel very emotional and yet you were calm.

I wouldn't say you were at peace like you were, you know, obviously going through some stuff, but I was, um, a bit shaken by how.

Jane Houng: Vanessa, that's so perceptive of you. Um, and remember, I'm British, so I'm naturally a stiff upper lip type. And I'm introverted. Um, but there I was doing yoga and you spotted something and that led us to that conversation.

It must have been sometime after December 2017 because that's when she was killed. Um, she was raped and murdered in Lebanon by a taxi driver [00:06:00] on her way home. It was very quick, it took everybody completely by surprise and I, honestly, I don't remember telling you, but I do know myself, that What can I say?

What use, what use am I if I'm, I'm just in floods of tears or, you know, emotionally demanding? I just felt from the beginning that I must somehow accept this. This is going to be demand the highest um, of me as a human being, um, because I saw it as a line, if you like. I mean, it was very clear. I could actually ascend the line.

I could go up, or I could very, very quickly spiral downwards. And one [00:07:00] thing I felt pretty strongly at the beginning is that I have to be strong for other people. And I'm thinking particularly of Becky. She was called Becky. Becky's friends. They were devastated. Some of them still have not gone back to work.

Um, their lives have been disrupted.

Vanessa Chan: And can you describe that journey from You know, when we met, when the wound was clearly still fresh, um, to this point, what has been the journey like, and what were the biggest lessons and transformation for you? It's a big question, I know. It's a huge

Jane Houng: question, but we can go at it in chunks.

Yeah, we break it down, yeah. So, um, shock at first.

Sadness. sorrow. [00:08:00] But as a writer, I am a writer. I came out here as a musician, but I very quickly moved into all kinds of other areas of work. And, uh, when I was 50, I quit all my paid work and thought, okay, I'm going to be a writer. And I, I was so happy in that mode. Um, and I've actually published seven books.

set in Hong Kong, and they're published by commercial press. Then this happened, and my knee jerk reaction was to reach out for books, and I did. I read voraciously about grief, about loss. That helped me a lot because one thing that I wanted to understand about myself was that I never felt that poor me, why me?

Because sexual violence is [00:09:00] part of our human history since time immemorial. I mean, it's actually violence, you know, the strength and power of men that has actually brought the human race to where we are now. So I felt that I had to understand that that taxi driver was in a very evil, mad state at the time.

And maybe that's the same for all men perpetrate this kind of crime. They are locked up in passion or anger or hatred and they do something that they may later regret. Why not me, which is what I thought. If you look at the statistics, there are hundreds and thousands of [00:10:00] parents who lose their children to violence every year, and

Vanessa Chan: I imagine there is anger in you somewhere.

Jane Houng: Deep down, I'm driven by anger. I acknowledge that, but it hasn't manifested itself. very clearly, let's say. And I mean, if you, if you read the typical five stages of grief, I thought, no, no, no, that doesn't apply to me. Um, but an anger is one of them in that list. And, um, but deep, deep down, I, I'm aware that it is an emotion which drives me forward.

I think I got rid of many Emotions, let's say, by writing my memoir. [00:11:00] Because after reading and understanding problem in the world, it's, it's very common. Then I reached out to my pen, my keyboard, and I actually wrote a memoir, which allowed me to verbalize about my process and it also gave me a chance to document Becky's life because she was 30 years old.

She was a humanitarian worker working at the British Embassy on projects for refugees and disadvantaged local Lebanese. And it was such an extraordinary case because there aren't that many psycho weirdo types. murders in Lebanon. Lebanon is a very family focused, like Hong Kong, actually, like China, you know, these kind of [00:12:00] serial killer, um, that they're not so commonplace.

So after writing, I found that I was more peaceful, plus abstaining from pills. alcohol, anything, you know, which is a natural way to, to dampen my raw emotions. I did it, I, I, I like to think that I transcended them by exercise. By meditation, by yoga, and by reading spiritual books. And that's why I'm so interested to talk to you because we're friends on Facebook, right?

And, you know, maybe for our listeners you can tell me a [00:13:00] little bit about your journey.

Vanessa Chan: Yeah. You know, you talk about the loss of your daughter, right? Like in the middle of your normal life. So I guess maybe for my family, um, there was loss in the beginning because my mom was adopted. And I think that really impacted my childhood because unfortunately people do treat you differently.

I mean, they're shallow, shallow, they're mean. Um You know, back then for very, you know, traditional Chinese, um, society in Hong Kong, some people do look down on you when you don't have parents. And so I grew up with a very loving, adopted grandmother, uh, from Sai Kung, she's a farmer. So I had a very unusual childhood, but I was very aware.

My grandma was really good at that because you're supposed to let your, you know, your [00:14:00] daughter and your, and her family know that. You know, you're not the biological, uh, grandmother. Um, it's a very healthy thing to do psychologically. So I was very, very aware she was just my adopted grandmother, but she has so much love for us.

And it was just such a contrast to the loss of my, um, biological family, right? So growing up, I always had that contrast. And I actually, um, have been looking for my biological family. In my heart and I pray my other family members like my brother, my mom and my dad are not as keen, but in my heart I was searching myself and you wouldn't believe it last year we found them and it's really a miracle, you know, um, and they're not even in Hong Kong.

I remember so. there's another story about my professional life, [00:15:00] which, you know, I work really hard and I damaged, you know, my gut basically. Right. And so I always had gut issues. I had like, you know, multiple health issues, nothing major, but, you know, irritating. Um, and it's also nothing that the Western doctors can, can resolve.

So I started going to see natural path doctor. And at some point he's like, you know, I really need to look at your DNA because you can't give me a whole lot of information. about your family. Um, and this is like a new thing. You can use DNA to kind of track that. Yeah. Yeah. So I was like, why not? Since I don't have my family, you know, half of my medical history, uh, of my family.

So I sent my, um, the first step is to send your, your blood sample to, to the 23. And then you download the DNA to specialists to analyze certain diseases. And so I remember distinctively at the moment I submitted my saliva sample, I was like, is this going to be [00:16:00] how I find my biological family? Is it possible?

But I was like, there's no way, because like, what are the chances that they're in the U. S. right? And you were in the U. S. at the time? No, no, no. I was in Hong Kong, but I know 23andMe. 80 percent of the users are probably from Western countries, right? Um, what if they're still in Hong Kong or China or somewhere in Asia, they wouldn't be using 23andMe.

So anyways, it wasn't the reason I was doing it, like I said, but I was like, there is a chance, you know? So the first, um, the first person that got matched was my cousin from my dad's side who lives in the US. I was like, oh, okay. Um, but then interestingly, after nine months, I got another match that was not my last name.

So I knew it wouldn't be from my dad's side and I'd sent this guy a message on 23andMe and he didn't reply. Right. And so of course I went to Facebook, but you know, Chinese names are [00:17:00] so hopeless, right? Like, Well, his name is Walter, right? So typical English name. And then a Chinese last name is never easy to find anybody in the world.

And this is like, like you're finding a needle in a sea, right? Like Chinese say, but yeah, I did find him and that's how we got matched. And so my family's in San Francisco. So that was really like how I started my life kind of like, you know, like. My, my mom was, um, you know, basically lost her family and I grew up not knowing about my family, so there was always this hole in my heart, right?

I was like quite insecure. Um, and then, but then I was very academically and also driven. I'm very driven. I was also musically talented, um, also quite artistic and, and I did quite well at school and then also professionally. [00:18:00] But then, um, another incident that, that was big, that was transformative, uh, in my life is my divorce.

So I got married quite young, right after my MBA, um, in 2006, but we got divorced within, you know, about five. In about five years. So, um, it didn't last very long, the marriage and professionally after doing quite okay for some time, there was something happened to me as professional as well. So just, it was a perfect storm.

Both hit me quite hard. I was on my knees. I had to take meds. I couldn't sleep. I lost a lot of weight. My friends were very worried about me. And. And I, my health was because I've been beating up myself so much, I think because of that insecurity from the childhood, um, I had a lot of imposter, uh, imposter syndrome and it made me too driven to the point where I just drove my health to go out.

And there were lots of red lights on my [00:19:00] health report. And I remember Going to my doctor, almost crying, thinking that can't be my story. But I worked so hard. I'm overachiever. I got married and then, um, I got really sick. Like that can't be my story. Um, and I decided to live differently. That was the. That was what sparked my decision to live differently.

And ever since then, long story short, I've been searching and, you know, prototyping, trying era. And, and I live completely differently. And if you ask my friends who have known me for a long time, even my family, I'm a drastically different person. I mean, of course, at heart, like my soul is the same. Um. It's more like, it's like they, I have removed layers and layers of dirt and they can finally see who I actually am now.

And, and I think that's why we are connected like almost emotionally and spiritually,

Jane Houng: right? And how we can [00:20:00] connect emotionally is that there's something very negative that's happened in your life. Yeah. You're, you're suffering. Yeah. Right? You're suffering. And then how can you get out of it? And for me, it's been more turning to the, to the spiritual, you know, becoming a spiritual aspirant than, than anything else.

Vanessa Chan: You can't solve problems at the same level as the problems you have to elevate. And that's what I've learned. And so as a person, the way to elevate your vibrations is really, you know, going from physical. So emotional and then to spiritual, right? Um, and once you elevate yourself, you see there's so much clarity and you know, true happiness is when you can default yourself to your Dharma, right?

To, to your destiny. And you can't really do that if you can't see clearly what your Dharma is, why you're here. And I think once you find that you're just in the flow and you're so much

Jane Houng: [00:21:00] happier. I'd like to know so much more about your life. Thank you so much for sharing. One thing that interests me is that you've reached out for Buddhism.

I was brought up a non believer. Before my daughter was killed, I was visiting maximum security prisons here in Hong Kong and I think I found God or some mystery. in the dynamics of what happened there. So before my daughter was killed, I was actually reading the Bible to understand Christianity for the first time.

Okay, as a school kid, I had to sing an assembly, some hymn every day, but it didn't resonate at all because my parents didn't have any religious belief. So, so I was reaching out, reading the Bible. And attending some classes for possible, um, confirmation and [00:22:00] baptism. I hadn't even been baptised. Then this happened to Becky.

So, the Bible has been very useful, but I've come to the stage where I describe myself more as a pantheist. I think all religions are basically saying the same thing.

Vanessa Chan: There's really just one answer to life, and all religions point you to that. That's right, right? To

Jane Houng: me, it's love your neighbor. Yes. Love, the

Vanessa Chan: power of love.

It's love and light.

Jane Houng: The power of unconditional love, which is a very tall order. But in terms of living my daily life, the philosophy of Zen Buddhism appeals to me the most because it helps me to keep peace, to keep, uh, healthy, you know, eat healthily. Meditation, [00:23:00] walking in nature, the power of nature, all these very, very basic things.

Here I am six years later, and I feel this view of daily living, this way of daily living, I should say, rather than the view. It has been more helpful than anything.

Vanessa Chan: I agree. Yeah. And it's just, so that's why I'm passionate about teaching now because I wish there was someone there when I was on my knees to give me a easier to read, easier to digest, digest, you know, almost like a, Instruction, you know, so that I can accelerate the healing.

It was a long journey. Um, and that's why, you know, I have a blog now. I write articles about it because I would like to apply what I've learned in business, [00:24:00] right, in communications, in, you know, business development. How do you, you know, really articulate a complex idea, um, to. Someone, you know, in a way that they can actually execute and I'm still exploring.

I'm not saying that I'm an expert. I think we're all like improvising, but if I can shorten that path, even just by one day for someone, I think that's meaningful. And I always think that when I teach, um, you know, I'm not giving them the answer, but I want to open the door so that they are curious enough to dig deeper themselves.

And that's really sometimes all you need to do.

Jane Houng: Your giving, the joy of giving. I've discovered that too since losing Becky. I, I had no idea of the charitable works that are being done in this world and my instinct was to keep her, her name alive by doing things linked. to her death. [00:25:00] So I have Becky's Bathhouse, that was the first charity I set up, and that was providing showers and laundry services to mainly Syrian refugees who were rocking up on Lesvos Island in Greece.

And I did that because Becky was working primarily with Syrian refugees in Lebanon. So that was something that, you know, immediately I could feel that she was, her spirit was, was still doing something on the, on the relative time, you know, the relative time that, that us human beings are living on this plane.

And then I moved to Rebecca Dyke's writers. Interestingly, um, I did an MFA in creative writing at Vermont in the U. S. and many of my classmates reached out to me because the news about Becky went [00:26:00] round the world and they actually clubbed together and bought a star, which was really sweet of them. A real star!

I still I still would like to go to somewhere clear enough that I could see it. Here we are a few years later, and we've set up this, well it's not a registered charity, but it's a movement, it's called Rebecca Dyke's Writers, we're trying to build a community. And as kidlit authors, We are working on writing stories about very traumatic events in a way that will wake children up.

One, bad stuff happens in the world, be careful, but don't scare them. There's a real art in this. But secondly, and maybe more importantly, for children who have a difficult family background, for whatever reason, and [00:27:00] By reading our stories, they're going to think, Oh, I'm not alone. So, that's Rebecca Dykes writers.

But the thing that's taking most of my time now is Becky's button. Tell

Vanessa Chan: us more about it.

Jane Houng: Well, I thought very clearly from the beginning that her life probably would have been saved if she was wearing some kind of panic button.

So, I worked with people here in China to design a button. to produce it and we did a pilot scheme in Greece and now we're really focusing on Lebanon. Why? Because in Lebanon, it's a small country, population of six million, that means about about three million women. I have supported [00:28:00] from the top to the bottom.

The Lebanese government, for example, the British embassy, um, arranged a memorial for Becky. There were three. quite major events in, in Lebanon and London. And The president came, you know, the head of security forces came. Everybody knows about Becky's case because she was working as a British diplomat. So not only do I have that kind of support, but I have support from local NGOs and I'm trying to get the button into the hands of the most disadvantaged women.

It's hard because of the logistics and now because of the war, not in Lebanon, but so close by, uh, it's still a very precarious area. But in Lebanon, my challenge is that I want to talk about sexual [00:29:00] violence in a way that make men change their behavior. And I need to rise above religious beliefs, um, above, certainly above politics, and just address the issue why, of why Men attack women and ideally to, to create some cultural shift where men will think, Okay, I'm, I'm going to protect my women.

I'm certainly not going to prey on them. So my challenge is to say something very, very simple. I think this is where I'm most powerful as a bereaved mother, just to speak very simply, uh, to people in Lebanon. Actually, it could be worldwide, but to men. Think about it. What if that, what if Becky was your girlfriend or your, or your wife?[00:30:00]

What if she was your daughter? How would you feel? And I like to think, because we're focusing on Lebanon, that the message will come out and it's a particularly interesting country because as I say, um, it is a very religious country. It's actually the holy land and there are, I think there are 18 registered religions which, which have their own courts actually related to sexual harassment and rape and that's part of the, the problem that violence against women is still rampant there, because the law's there, you've got the security forces there, but this sort of muddiness.

in the middle in terms of enforcement. I think I've probably gone off subject to what your original question was.

Vanessa Chan: No, no, no. Um, so what is your next, uh, milestone for [00:31:00] Beckett button, right? That's your, your, your main focus at this particular moment. It

Jane Houng: is because Yep, I was angry at the beginning and wanted to tell the world, you know, this is terrible.

This is a parent's worst nightmare. What are we going to do about it, people? And I've gradually kind of narrowed my scope down, down, down, down, down, down. Becky's button in Lebanon, that in itself, to make any kind of impact. And we're talking about, as I say, a cultural shift, you know, a change of behavior.

Um, then. Lebanon is the place where I'm going to be able to, I hope, make a difference now. In May this year, we are going to do a second bike ride in Beirut, in the current of central, dead central, and there is a local [00:32:00] man who is organizing a bike ride there. He has a, he has, he owns Lebanon by bike and he offers his bikes free for one day for women to, uh, for anybody to come actually.

And interestingly, it's more, we're focusing more on young men and men to raise awareness about sexual harassment. This is what happens, even on the Corniche, which is this fancy area we are. So that's going to happen, and I got really strong support last year. And, uh, we're also going to organize a concert, because one way I'm thinking is to grab people's hearts by listening to some beautiful music.

Vanessa Chan: When we, in Chinese we call it, um, you know, when you hear really good music, it's like, um, the strings in your heart are playing, right?

Jane Houng: I love

Vanessa Chan: that. Yeah, it's like the viola is in your heart. Yes, [00:33:00]

Jane Houng: there's a strong, visceral emotional response to music, if it touches you. I mean, you know, we all, there's very, lots of very different modes of music, but the idea is to, okay, cut all the blah, blah, you know, statistics and reports.

And what are we going to do? about violence. And I,

Vanessa Chan: I often think if we can just open people's hearts again, because right now I think a lot of people's hearts are blocked and that's actually causing a lot of the problems in the world, right? Including and for mental issues, including sexual violence, et cetera, et cetera.

It's because they're not connected to their heart, their hearts. are closed for themselves and others. And if we can just open it up, whatever method there is, it could be music, it could be yoga, it could be poetry, anything, just open that up a little bit again so that, you know, it's a slow process. But [00:34:00] We have to start somewhere.

Jane Houng: To live by the heart. It sounds so cliché. But I think, um, it's the essence of self awareness and enlightenment. Music is a mode to do that. And a question you asked earlier made me think. I had to question myself right at the beginning. Because when I heard The news, and I replayed a zillion times about what could have happened, and of course I still don't know, but here are the facts I know.

He was a 26 year old guy. He had been in and out of foster homes. in and out of jail. Didn't, didn't know his father. His father's not on the birth certificate. Um, poor education. He'd recently come out of jail and he was, I imagine, [00:35:00] angrier and more frustrated than he'd ever been. And then he met my daughter.

You know, I still cry for her daily. That's the reality. Despite my facade, I thought maybe. You know, if I had a son and, and, and my son had, had that kind of upbringing, I'm not saying I forgive, I could forgive, but that was my challenge for me, Vanessa. From the beginning, it's like I didn't, you know, I didn't immediately think, okay, you know, he deserves to go to prison forever.

Chop off his head. Um, I didn't.

Vanessa Chan: You know, this reminds me of a good friend of mine. He, um, he was a very successful executive and towards the end of his career, he decided to go back. to his first love, which is psychology, and he became a therapist again, and he worked at the New York, you know, the prisons in [00:36:00] New York.

And he told me something that I still remember today. And I think about it a lot, that when you talk to these prisoners, when you work with these prisoners, when they tell you their stories, you put yourself in their shoes. You are also a human. Can you guarantee that you would not have done? have turned out the same way, have done the same thing.

You actually cannot, if you can, if you can look at it objectively. And that basic understanding and, you know, without ego, without arrogance, really looking at it objectively, really bring peace to you, actually, even if you are the victim.

Jane Houng: That's what he told me. That endorses how I felt doing prison work as well.

Um, I believe we all have the seeds of evil in us, and it's just a question of focusing on the good seeds in our gardens, the plant, good soil, [00:37:00] good nutrition, good compost, yeah, to make that area of your mind. grow and let those evil, bad, negative instincts, we're talking about instinct, especially for men, right?

Yeah. And

Vanessa Chan: it's continuous, this work. It's like drinking water, right? It's like eating every day. It's, it does not stop. All of us, if we want to have that peace and balance in life, we all have to do the basic maintenance work and sometimes a big wash off at retreat or whatever you do to get rid of those issues.

big regrets, big pain, right? But daily maintenance is so important. That's what I've

Jane Houng: found. I love Fitchnutt Hamm's quote, uh, the way out is in, right? So all these external things can be happening to one, everyone. Right, we all have pleasure, pain, happiness, sadness, and then, but [00:38:00] how to keep rooted and not overly affected by that, because that is the nature of being human, and for me, that's what I've been striving.

towards to keep myself strong. Yeah. Not for my sake. Actually, I, you know, I've discovered a whole new breed of human being. Honestly, given my background, the kind that are rocking up in these countries, very difficult situations, in order to help people more disadvantaged than themselves. It's been such an eye opener.

I feel that I'm a better person as a result of going there and seeing that, and actually now trying to do something myself to these people who often didn't want to be there, you know. The things that have happened are way beyond their control, especially women. [00:39:00] So selfless service, that's where I'm at and that's where I'm, I'm striving to be an effective voice.

Vanessa Chan: Yes. And you're doing great. So, um, I ha I do have, um, another question for you.

Jane Houng: Oh, please.

Vanessa Chan: So please think about anything that I haven't asked you yet. What would you like to share? What more

Jane Houng: would you like to share? the pain of losing a child. I feel it physically, mentally, emotionally at every level. It's very painful, guys.

And please hug your loved ones, keep your more vulnerable loved ones closer, even in your community, keep them close, try to help, and certainly try not to [00:40:00] harm them.

Vanessa Chan: Thank you, Jane. Thank you for this conversation.

Jane Houng: Thank you so much, Vanessa, for being here. Bye. Bye.

Thanks again for listening to Mending Lives with me, Jane Hong. It was produced by Brian Ho. You can find relevant links to this show in the comments section. I would not, could not, be doing this without many people's support and encouragement. So until next time, goodbye.